Monday, November 28, 2011

How You Love

An undefended strength is a double weakness
 I’ve got a week of class to go and then a week of finals...and as I look back on this semester...I am humbled.  I see so many failures.  I see so many miracles and countless ebbs of grace that I most certainly did not deserve.  I see the word LOVE painted across these months...making my heart heavy.  
A quality that always seemed to bubble over, a well never drying...the commandment with which I never struggled--I look back and see so much broken, misused and misapplied love.  I see selfishness...I see sloth. 
God is digging deeper, peeling back my pride-gilded good deeds and “love” and revealing their tainted roots.  I am broken again and again, and do not seek him, then fall to his feet and beg for forgiveness and then like an unfaithful lover...fling myself back into the night.  
I write this joyfully.  For I see God moving in my the midst of these shards, and shattered bits...things have grown.  I have truly struggled this semester.  I’ve hurt people--something I’ve never wanted--but have done.  I’ve blindly bumped, battered and bruised those around many have I unintentionally crumpled and torn? What wasteful words have spilt and stained?  I always prided myself in being positive, in filling others up, in building and adding to them, in bestowing encouragement and sprinkling sunshine and rainbows.  
I still do.  But my undefended strength became a double weakness.  Bravery can breed stupidity, tact warps into untruthfulness.  My great love was twisted and used to hurt those around me.  Cam has been reading The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis and he told me of a concept illustrated that I believe in whole heartedly: that of virtues turning into vices, and vices that can be redeemed into virtues.  
John 13:34-35
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

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