Friday, November 2, 2012

The Crux of the Matter

This semester has had a curious duality to it.
I have found wells and wells of deep peace and understanding and nearness to the Lord, and have simultaneously suffered from ambivalence and despair related to school.  
In spite of my careful planning and organization, things are lost, dates are forgotten, creativity dries up and I am paralyzed with awful shame, because for the first time in a long time, I could care less.  
I feel like there is a buzzing fog smothering my thoughts and actions. 
In the space of one week I lost my phone more times than I can count, my keys twice (no driving for two days), my wallet once (no nothing for five) and generally stumbled through each day aimlessly.
However, I stumbled with such bright shining peace and security.
My hope does not come from my own success, and God was whispering this to me every day.    

I have seen so much fruit this week:
I have had beautiful conversations, thank yous, quiet times and the work I have made has been near to my heart.

Above is my current painting (I've abandoned Lady with an Ermine for the time being) of my schema of influences.  
It is illustrative and rebelliously simple, and I love painting it.  
I've sequestered myself in the side room of the studio where there is the most natural light and have meditated and painted.  
I have found so much peace in this painting, stippling in tiny creatures and little words that make up my heart, and I thank God for the time to be so near him.  

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